Próxima Parada Press Photo 2023

The following recount of the birth of Próxima Parada was translated from ancient Greek dactylic hexameter and is traditionally attributed to Sophocles (although recent investigations by way of modern advancements hypothesize the text as a discarded fragment of Homer’s Iliad): 

It all emerged from the discovery of freedom way back when. Próxima Parada, protector of goslings, formed as a result of a murmur, a sigh, a moo moo, the recitation of a French dirge, and a desperate whimper; sounds heard all the way down to the Mississippi Delta, which was still shining like a National guitar. 

The Gods emitted a long, deep, audible breath of agreeable relief after completing their most perfect gift for Earth, Kevin Middlekauff, son of Leto of the Lovely Locks, to whom they gave the patience of the Bald Eagle along with his fierce talons, which made plucking strings a markedly difficult task. Following a fortnight of arrows raining from the heavens, Apollo ceased to ponder a creation. In that moment of stillness, a warm banjo strummed off in the distance, and a swarm of bees hovered above a Kansas meadow. Sweet, white honey splashed onto a duck pond. It was so that the Andrew Olson was concocted. Upon escaping the murky surface, Andrew found that he was naked, and he liked that, so he remained so. 

After crafting one good trumpeter named Miles Davis (The Model I) in the 1920s, the Gods of the Aural Realm began running an assembly line of behemoths in the brass-blowing domain. They fashioned a Chet, a Freddie, a farmer named Art, and good Clifford; finally to get it right on the Model Y, Myles Wittman, the one who would go on to the Salem Town Hall District Qualifier and nearly wow everybody. And the galant Myles remained real humble, even at the acme of his career when he became one of Lee Butte Intermediate School’s top mouthers. Joshua Collins’ lineage is unknown, although Agamemnon, supreme commander of the Achaean armies, was informed by an oracle that Joshua was the end result of an abandoned beard. Alas, the Gods, enrapt in observing a quarrel between armies of men, let fall the remaining scraps to the dry Earth below, and the jumble that fused upon an unforgiving collision created many a Nick Larson, bleak souls. 

Not before long, under the tutelage of Mt Olympus, the boys became something akin to men and the silence turned to harmony. Próxima Parada, the amalgamation of the five regions of Nether united under one common goal, was erected in January of 2012 of the Gregorian Calendar, although The China National Petroleum Corporation would soon change their fiscal calendar to mark Próxima’s birth as year 0.

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